Confession time. (Long read, I'm sorry)

I thought I'd let you guys know what's going on with me lately and why I've been so inactive. If you follow my tumblr, you've probably noticed a lot of "BAWWWWWWW" from me. I'm sorry.

I like to try to be a role model to you guys. I want to be someone who inspires other people. When people look at my art, and the things I do, I want them to feel happy or encouraged. Lately, I can't even complete some of the things I've wanted to do for years. When I was little, I made it a personal goal of mine to get straight A's in high school, so I could get scholarships. My grades started dropping in the 4th grade, due to stress. From around that time until middle school, not only did my grades gradually decrease but so did things like my happiness, my will to do things, ect. I've already made a sort of confession post here on deviantART and on tumblr about my life previously (explaining my stress as a child, abuse, and an alcoholic father) but I believe I deleted them. Either way, here's the story.

I didn't live the best life in the world. I knew this. I also knew that it wasn't the worst. I was depressed from around the age of 7/8 to about 14. I liked to seek love/attention from boys because of "father problems" Ive had in my life. It took until when I was 16/17 to realize, that what I should be doing is not working hard to make OTHERS proud, but to work hard to make MYSELF proud. I put myself down so much. I let so much get to me. "YOU STUPID BITCH", "You'll never get anywhere in life", "I doubt you'll graduate" and things from my parents will never leave my memory. It drags me down and has dragged me down so much. I started to believe, if I can't do anything right, why try? I stopped doing homework. I stopped trying. I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping. I stopped being happy. It took until me almost losing my life (and having to drop out of school once) to realize how wrong things were.

This past year has probably been one of the most important in my life. Turning eighteen, confronting my parents, realizing I don't need praise or male affection in my life to dominate me, and that HAPPINESS is IMPORTANT. The way we force ourselves to work hard (school > more school > job > money > happiness?) seems a bit weird to me... ANYWAYS, my first semester of my senior year had been so wonderful. I got to see my friends at school a lot and laughed hard almost every single day. It was amazing. Now, second semester, I've had the flu (missed 5 days of school), stomach virus (missed 7+ days) and am so behind in school, my graduation is a bit impossible now.

I've cried so much. I wish help came before it was too late. I wish I realized these things so much sooner. I felt like my ability to graduate was taken away from me. I felt like I could never get anywhere.

You know those cheesy quotes on posters and on children's television they'd tell you? Those weird quotes like "follow your dreams~" that you rolled your eyes at and thought were really dumb?

They are TRUE.
They are impossibly TRUE.

Your happiness should be one of (if not *THE*) most important thing to you. Take it from me, please. WORK HARD. Fucking FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS. NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE is going to achieve your dreams BUT YOU. As I've learned, you can't always sit around and wait for people to believe in you. You have to believe in yourself. And even though it's hard, it's what you have to do. If nobody believes in you, then I do. You have me.

Anyways, I am at the moment probably going to be a high school dropout  going for a GED and struggling to get into college. For now, all I can do is keep drawing.

Sorry for the sob story everyone, Yuki out.